niki reid

I was miserable. I told him what I’ve been trying to tell him for so long. Then I asked him if I could be on my own for a few minutes, but he came back shaking and absolutely trembling and held me. We looked into each other’s’ eyes for a long time. A tear rolled from the tip of his nose onto mine and it startled me. Then it dripped down my cheek and I could feel his tears streaming down his face onto mine. I felt strange, I knew it was serious but I’ve known it for so long that I had already come to terms with it. It was hard to sympathise with him. I was just hoping he’d get himself together as quick as possible and our day could continue on as normal. I was fine. Actually that’s a lie, I wasn’t fine, but I had accepted that I wasn’t alright; and I wasn’t going anywhere.

It wasn’t even to be stoned, it was like to be shoved out of my mind. We were walking to Tesco when we first lit up and as I smoked and walked I felt less in control of my body, wobbly and whatnot, and I loved the feeling. I love when I can’t stand up properly or sway when I’m walking. It’s like I have no control over my body, but also no responsibility. I get to leave my body and mind, my prison, and be me outside of myself; if that makes any sense at all. Probably not. It feels good when that happens though, being reckless. I’m abusing my body I guess. I can’t though, I really shouldn’t. I had my fall and my decline and spiral, followed by recognition, help and recovery. I had my time to mess up, now I’m meant to be getting better. It just feels like it wasn’t enough, I didn’t feel myself enough to begin a recovery. I want to really destroy myself, hurt myself before I need to look at myself and make decisions about getting my life sorted out. How many people will be there if I relapse? Even now I feel so dark, I’m so inspired by words from my pain and I love it. Passion. Something. A feeling. A needle through the numbness sending shock waves all around my being; bringing them back to attention, back to life.
Something.

Really though, I wouldn’t take myself out of this world because I was depressed. I would take myself out of this world when I’m at my happiest. Get to a point where I’m completely content, and just fade out. That way I would never have to come down, I could hold onto that last feeling forever. I would never be that happy again, so leave with what I have while it’s good. I’m not a coward who is too afraid to face reality. I’m somebody who wants to find happiness, and never let go of it again.

slowly-forgettingthepast:

Sorry for all the cat pictures. When I’m upset I look at cats so yeah..

(Source: dontgrowuponme)